Where do I see myself at 30?

May 22, 2018

As I'm writing this, I am 21. I don't care if it's 2018 and I'm actually turning 22 in November, I'm still 21. Since my birthday is around year end, a lot of people (especially the ones my age) completely disregard that I only just had a birthday and immediately say I'm a year older than what I really am. Sounds confusing? Here's an example. I turned 21 in November 2017, but when January 2018 came around, everyone around me just kept on saying I was already 22 since I would be turning 22 that year. Like, I only turned 21 a few weeks ago!

Anyways, the reason why I decided to type this blog post was because of my forever idol Yutakis' 30th birthday. Hard to believe, I know, but that perfect-faced guy just turned 3 decades old. He's been celebrating with his Schatz & friends and I couldn't be happier for him as a fan, seeing as he's so happy and that he's enjoying his life to the fullest now.

What triggered this post is this set of images Yutaki posted documented a picture of himself for 10 years, from age 21 to age 30:

After reading through his blog post and seeing this set of pictures, I realized: I'm literally the same age as that very first picture in the series. 2009 Yutaki is 2018 Eros. Both of us 21. Then I thought to myself, I'm actually still quite young! Not in a conceited way, but more of an "epiphany" kinda realization. It literally took Yutaki 10 years to get to where he is right now, and I think a lot of people who I aspire too also took a lot of time to get to where they are. Yet here I am constantly comparing myself to these people's "end-products". I'm still so young that I'm basically at the starting point of my life as an adult!

To be honest with you guys, I've been feeling kinda depressed recently. I am in no ways ungrateful nor am I taking things for granted. As some of you may know, I'm currently working as a content creator. It's basically very similar to blogging in that I conceptualize content and make it. Don't get me wrong, I love creating content, but ever since I switched to this position, I've just been so...creatively tired. I admit, the first few months of it was bad due to my own lack of discipline with the creative freedom given to me, but right now, at this moment, I just feel so down. I know that I love to create content, and I know that I love beauty, but I just don't know why I feel like I can't produce good work anymore. It's come to the point that even for my own personal content, I've grown to be uninspired and totally uncreative.

Anyhoo, aside from that rant about my current work life, another thing that has been on my mind is just that: work. If I look at my high school & college friends, most of them are still in school. Most of them are still figuring themselves out. But most of all, most of them are still enjoying life. I'm friggin 21 years old, and I know that doesn't mean I shouldn't be working at all. It's just that at this point in my life, I feel like I should be exploring myself & the world, living my youth to its full potential. I was not born into riches so I know I can't afford the same luxuries like people my age. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for what my parents have given me and I understand that I have to now earn my own keep. It's just that sometimes when the going gets tough, I just can't help but compare, ya know? I also think that young me would never have thought I would be spending my 21 in such a mundane way.

All the soppy, complaining (borderline entitled) complaining aside, I thought I'd take this time before going to sleep to list down 10 things I want to accomplish by the time I'm 30. I want my life to mean something to me, and I want to accomplish things that make me go "Wow Eros, you did that" when I look back at it.

1. Travel (goddammit)
One of the things I envy most about other people is their freedom to travel. With me working you'd imagine I'd have saved some cash to go travel around. The truth is, living in the city is hard and expensive. Ever since I moved here almost 2 years ago, I have never received pocket money from my parents anymore. I have literally been living off of my salary to pay for rent, food, travel, etc. Not to mention beauty products omg. So yeah, it's been very hard for me to find the cash to travel.

I have been planning to go to Korea SINCE I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL but lo and behold, I still haven't gone. (I hate it the most when people go to Korea in spring, and I hate it even more if they're going for a student exchange program...like...what about me? What about Jujubee???!)

I also really wanna go to Japan (thanks to all of Chanwon's drool-worthy travel pics), and basically just everywhere around the world. China, Vietnam, Thailand, Germany, UK, Paris, Netherlands, Denmark...I need to have visited at least 10 new countries by the time I'm 30! I also want to travel with my high school friends (my beloved TRF). Like, y'all please we would've known each other for almost 20 years by the time we're 30, we should at least have gone to 2-3 different countries together hahaha.

2. Get a degree
Surprise surprise. I lot of you may have been wondering why I'm working so young, and it's because I only took my college diploma. I went to KDU and studied Mass Communication, and I would really like to get a degree in Marketing, Advertising or PR. The thing is that I have a lot of siblings, and again, I wasn't born rich. Sigh. I'm actually supposed to be earning some money to help contribute to that goal, but again...life is expensive.

3. Bring my parents oversees
You may have been thinking all along "Wow, I never knew Eros was such an entitled, selfish brat". Well, you may be 50% right, but I still do love my parents and I really appreciate all that they've given me. I haven't really done much for them in return, but I hope in the future I get to bring them overseas for a vacation or something that they would really enjoy.

4. Publish my own (photo) book
Another reason why I want to travel is because I want my own photobook! I want to publish something similar to how Yutaki had his "A Flower Boy's Tale" photobook. As someone who also takes lots of pictures, I hope I get to evolve & get even better pictures in the future. Since I also take a lot of "themed" pics for my blog, I hope to make a compilation book of all the themes/shots I've taken over the course of 10 years to see how much I've grown. I plan on taking lots and lots of pictures, and with the images I've taken this year alone, I need to step up my creativity if I don't want all the shots in that compilation book to all look the same hahaha.

(I also hope that when I'm 30, my brother Euri hasn't gotten sick of taking my pictures lol.)

5. Get abs (even just the outline is okay T.T)
I just started the gym, and I am not going to live my life without having had a great body shape at least once. I've just signed up for a gym, and although the results are still minimal, I hope by the time I'm 30 I'd have achieved my goal of getting rid of my stomach.

6. Get my face done 
I'm sure y'all already know how vain I am. I know y'all might be thinking "But Eros, you don't need it!".  First of all, it's my life and I only live once, I want to have total control of myself and how I look like. Life is too short for missed opportunities. Second, it may look like I don't need it, but that's because most of you only see images, and you all only see what I want you all to see. Behind each image I post, there is a layer of editing, and sometimes makeup as well. Ever since I was 15, I remember wanting a nose job, and as I grew older, my ideal-self became more and more apparent to me. I don't care, by hook or by crook, by sponsorship or by my own hard earned cash, I will get a nose job. I'm working on my body in the gym and hopefully I shed some face fat from that, but basically by the time I'm 30, I want to achieve my ideal face. Rhinoplasty, u-chin, cheeks fat grafting, lip filler, and undereye fillers. I will be perfect by the time I'm 30.

7. Raise my own dog
I love dogs. I really want a place of my own so I can raise a dog (but ya know...not enough cash). So yeah, by the time I'm 30 I want to have raised my own puppy! I'm torn between a schnauzer like my childhood doggie Max or a corgie/shiba inu (like the million accounts I follow on Instagram huhuhuhu).

8. Go to an SNSD/EXO concert
Yes, this may seem childish but I really wanna go to an SNSD & EXO concert at least once in my life. As a K-pop fan who loves those two groups, I'd have failed as a fan if I don't go to at least one of their concerts 😭

9. Live my true, authentic self
It may sound cheesy (what with all the #YOLO posts everywhere on social media), but I'm really committed to working up enough confidence to live life for me. In reality, you only really live once. Why spend it trying to be someone else? By 30, I plan to be as Eros as I can be. That means not being afraid to express myself, being able to do what I want without fearing what others may think and most importantly, loving myself for being me.

10. Find someone to love who loves me back
Again, cheesy af, but I (hope) by the time I'm 30, I find someone who really loves me for me. I know, super drama queen me is just being dramatic, but I'm at an age right now where I'm kinda thinking about my future and whether or not it will be spent alone. Although it doesn't seme like it, I do get lonely at times. I've always said this to myself, but I feel like when I'm down and feeling sad, the loneliest parts of my body are always my hands. I can't explain it, but they're the part of me that always feels the emptiest. By the time I'm 30, I hope someone fills the void in my hands (& my heart) and holds it tight, never letting it go.

Okay cheese-fest is over, I gotta get back to work. I wrote this post at 2am in the morning and I'm finishing it up the next day. Back to work. Bye guys!

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