June 15, 2015

It's currently 1.36am as I start writing this and I've been lost in my thoughts and thought that I should pour some of them out here. The view of rain clouds above buildings outside my window is quite pretty right now, by the way. It's a shame that I can't photograph them properly.

I was thinking about the top priorities of people in their lives and the reasons why they live. Do you live to be rich? Do you live to be happy? Do you live to be beautiful? Do you live to find love? I haven't lived enough of my life to answer any of those questions.

In terms of riches I guess everyone wants to be rich. Money helps us live comfortable lives but does that mean that a person's main priority in life should be the pursuit of money? Of course money can do a lot of things and in this world you cannot live without money, but as I imagine my future self, I see myself with enough money for myself and a bit more. I guess in my head I don't want my future to be "money money money". I want to actually find my passion and to find what I like to do most. I feel like if I find it, money will follow and I will be happy as well.

Speaking of happiness, it really depends on people's standards. A poor man and a rich man can both have the same level of happiness even though they live very different lives. I feel that if everyone in this world lowered their expectations they would be much happier. I have to admit, I am quite materialistic. So far happiness to me means I have nice things, nice clothes and nice food. But as I grow older i want to know what real happiness is. Most times I find myself thinking of myself and making decisions for myself. I wonder if there will ever come a time in the future where, like my parents, I place someone's need and well-being above my own. I feel that as of now I'm still very self-centred, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I feel like to reach happiness there must be a sense of understanding and love of oneself.

If you already know me, you might know that I'm quite the narcissist. I take lots of photos of myself, edit them to society's standard of beauty and thrive off the praise that I get from likes and comments on social media. But inside I'm just a boy with dark skin, lots of scars and pimples. I'm far from the image that I put on social media and my self image is far from what I really look like in life. I feel that I actually have very many faces. The face that people see, the face that I put on social media, the face of myself that I see in my head, the face that I show to others...the list goes on. Inside me, I admit, there is a vanity whose thirst for attention has not been quenched. I don't know if it's just my youth, but I feel like my love for myself will last for a very long time hahahaha.

And love. I've experienced love for my family and love for my friends, heck, even love for idols! But in terms of romantic love I have zero experience. I live in an apartment with two girls. These two girls have their boyfriends. I have a guy and a girl friend from college who each *I predict* will have special someones soon. It's not that I don't want to look for anyone. I think it's more that I'm scared. I'm the kind of person that doesn't make long term decisions. I have made a mold that I try my best not to go out of. I dream of things but I most probably won't experience most of them because deep inside me I know that there is this fear. This fear of being judged, of being brave and of being myself. This may be embarrassing to admit, but on some days I just break out. When I was in high school I broke out quite a few times. I stopped for a while but somehow after a couple of years, everything just exploded a few weeks back. I don't know why but a feeling of just crept onto me and I sobbed like there was no tomorrow. Embarrassing, I know. I guess instead of actually looking for someone I have more faith in fate to bring someone to me. It might not be fast but I believe that one day I will meet someone.

Well that's all. This has been quite therapeutic actually hahaha. It's kinda nice to write some of my thought out. I should do this more often *i probably won't because you know, procrastination*

My eyes are actually very dry right now so I'm going to go ahead and sleep >< I need new eye creams/gels! I ordered another bottle of my fave It's Skin serum and a bottle of Missha's Time Revolution The First Skin Treatment Essence from again and someone please help me I'm spending all my cash. Pls just make my skin prettyyyyyyyy T.T I'm ending this post with a recent selfie ^_^

Good night~ 

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