BITTER

December 26, 2014
so right now its raining *like it has for a few weeks now*, and i'm loving it. to me, cold weather is the best and i'm cherishing every moment of this cold sem break hahaha.

as some of you reading this post may know, i am a very positive person. i may not always look like it, but in my mind i try to always see the good. i try not to judge people, i try to understand and i try not to be sad in general. i don't know if it's the cold weather, but recently aside from feeling comfy in bed i've also been feeling very down. even though its christmas season, i didn't feel the christmas spirit at all. i know that i should be grateful for what i have, but this christmas to me was really sad, bitter and lonely. this post will be all about my petty complaints and wants, so if you don't really feel like reading them, you're welcome not to :) first of all, every christmas my family members will exchange presents at midnight and in the morning, we'll have more presents in our christmas socks. last year during our christmas party i got a lot of money from the other parents and a lot of gifts from my parents. on christmas day, i got a lot of stuff + a lot of money from my christmas sock. i thought it was kinda to make up for my parents not getting me anything for my birthday. usually on my birthday i don't get anything, so i usually expect presents for christmas. its that one time of year that i wanna feel good and receive stuff. i know it sounds childish, but who doesn't like receiving? this year on my birthday, i didn't get anything *like my past few birthdays* so i was really looking forward to christmas this year. i didn't enjoy the party for several reasons but was still lookong forward to midnight. in the end, i didn't get that much money from the other parents and my parents gave me a hundred bucks and told me that they didn't know what to get me. i was okay with it, thinking that there would be more in the morning. when i woke up on christmas morning though, there was nothing in the socks. to be honest i was really disappointed. i wanted to buy so many things and i already made plans, but i should have known better to expect. whenever i see people on instagram posting pictures of their overseas holidays i get really jealous. the last time my family went overseas was to thailand back when i was about 10 years old, and it was only to do some immigration stuff for a few days. whenever i see photos of people going to korea i feel especially sad. i know for a fact that the only way i'll be able to go there is by saving A LOT and by working A LOT, but some people my age are just really lucky to have what they have. they can go wherever they want without thinking how much it'll cost. there's this one girl that i follow on instagram and she always goes to korea/japan for kpop concerts and tours. she's met so many people and seen so many things that i wish i had seen. plus, she always buys a lot of stuff and always eats at nice places. whenever i see her pictures i try to act cool about it but deep inside i feel really jealous. how i wish i could be like her :( so its almost the new year and i'm already having money problems. i wanna buy so many stuff & i gotta pay for so many stuff. i understand my family's financial status and i know that i should be thankful for what i already have. school tuition just increased for my siblings again and my yearly college fees aren't cheap either. 2015 hasn't even started yet but i'm already dreading it. my positive self would say "let's be positive and hope for something good to happen" but i'm done being positive and having expectations. next year i'm going to work, starve myself and save money. i don't even care anymore, i just need money. i can't believe those words just came out of my mouth but i've had enough.
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