down

June 13, 2013
long time no post :)

actually i've been meaning to post about a lot of things: CIE's finished, Sammi's birthday, my new XOXO albums and such~ i wanted to make a very long blog post but i'm really feeling down.

sometimes i feel like i can carry on and i maybe they can understand me, so i decided to tell them at the end of this year. but today, one of them said somethig that hurt me deeply. that person is very close to me and i treat her as my real sister. its not her fault actually, she doesn't know, so she just said those things casually. she and another close friend of mine also kept on pestering me to tell them who the third and last person i liked was. i have to say, when i didn't know what they were going to ask me at first, i felt so scared. so damn scared. and when that close friend said what she said today, i totally lost all my confidence and have decided to not tell them. although they are my closest friends, i feel deep inside my heart that they will mot understand me. i feel that even though we're super close to each other, i don't want to end up losing any one of them just because i'm different. although it hurts like a bitch like everyone says it will, its better to keep it to myself and not spread the pain to those i love most.
everyday i will think to myself: "i'm worth it". i'll think to myself that even though i'm not quite the same, i'm still a normal human being and my choices are just that, mine. i wouldn't mind the stuff thrown at me because i knew that there would always be that group of people that will support me.

those were the days when i wanted to ignore what the world really thinks of me.
on the days when i let reality kick in, i stop and tell myself that everything would be so much better of i wasn't here. on this earth. to be honest, i think about suicide. not every day, every week or every month, but i do think about it. i know that its wrong, but sometimes i get to thinking.

that small group of people is what i hold dearest. if they can't accept me then maybe i need to stop hoping that they will. i can just lie to myself because truth be told, the only one hurting here is me anyway, and i'll just cause confusion.

i'm gonna post again soon after i sort out my thoughts. i made an unboxing video of XOXO but i haven't gotten around to editing it yet. right now i just need time to myself.
just keep on smiling and hide  yourself from the world :)

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