普通的朋友

January 13, 2013
i should be studying. i really should be studying. i can see all my friends starting study and here i am. just sitting around.

i have no motivation to study. i keep on telling myself: "This is the last one. pass this with flying colours. don't waste all those years you spent studying". i tell that to myself, but its so hard to act out what i say when there is really NOTHING that motivates me.

I feel so alone :(

and a bit jealous.

my friends are helping each other out. especially one person. my best friend ever since form 1. they all help her and i feel that i should just go away.  all of them are always together, and i realized that i only have one close friend and when she's with others i have no one. i know its not my right to say that she must always be with me...i actually think that its good that she is with them and all of them are happy. they always play around and they're always happy. i always joked around and said that she and i have the same brain level, but now, i think that she's much smarter. there is this other person that teaches her very well. whenever i try to talk to them, that person will ignore me or look at me with her signiture "fuck off"  look. i don't know if that's how that person  really is, but i feel that that attitude is only for me.

i might smile and be happy around them, but i feel left out. i'm not happy. at night i think that maybe crying will help but it never does.

i think this year will be all about me. i saw this post that when "2013" is written in reverse, it looks like "Eros". but now i realize that it really will be about me. all alone.

113 days left till CIE.
300 days left till high school ends.


i'm afraid that i'll go through it all all by myself.
i'm afraid of failing.
i'm scared.
terrified.


but all that they can see is my smile.

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