i think i'm ugly :(

November 26, 2012
hello :) its now 12.45 as im writing this.

first of all i have to say:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ♥o♥
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!
KHUNTORIA IS SO PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER! ^^
KHUNTORIA FOR LIFE!
okay, calm downnnnnnn x)


anyhoooooooo~
i'm still at home and my current daily agenda is:
12pm: wake up + eat lunch
12.30pm: watch shows
7pm: eat dinner
7.30pm: watch shows
4am: sleep


== its because i'm too bored!

and i realized something:
I'VE GOTTEN FATTER! T^T
*i also remembered Joseph Germani's Ngo Fei Jor video XD*

T^T its not my fault i have nothing to do and that i like watching shows! well...actually it is @.@

i was watching bubzbeauty's videos the other day and got quite interested in make up~
so like the geek that i am, i researched how korean guys use make up and thus, i landed myself on Ivan Lam's tutorial on YouTube.
it was nice and all, i even said to myself that i'll try that one day, but...



I ALSO STARTED TO THINK THAT I'M UGLY :|


don't get me wrong, it wasn't Ivan Lam's fault, and i'm usually very narcissistic  but seriously. im slowly losing my self confidence.
i also watched another video by VanityMr on YouTube and at that point, it really got me thinking...


am i ugly?

usually in my eyes i am happy, optimistic, good looking me, but is that how everybody else sees me?
in pictures/selcas i do look...ok, but that's just with editing. i realized too that almost all pictures of me are...EDITED. i think it comes from my dark skin complex. im not really happy with my dark skin :(
im the darkest among my family :(
i put loads and loads of acne cream and moisturizers to hide my acne scars and to feel better but as my sis pointed it out, there's not really any change.

do i put on so much just to satisfy my narcissism and so that i'll think: "i put on tons of creams, i look better"?
sigh my weight too...

this year my weight ranged from about 47-55kg. i hit 47kg when i was having my exams. i was underweight but i didn't do anything about it because i thought that the lighter i am, the better. but i've come to realize that that's not really true.
even though i weighed like that, i was still always fat. i still had a bulging stomach that reminded me everyday to go on that jog that i'd promised myself to go on ever since last year.


sigh.

DARK SKIN.
FAT STOMACH.


i know i might sound stupid and that i'm lucky just by being healthy healthy me, i can't help but feel insecure sometimes, ya know? tonight is one of those nights...
so solution to my problems?

WEIGHT: EXERCISE
easier said than done, i know. but from tomorrow *or later, since its now 1.11am*, i'll try to wake up early and jog, do situps whenever i can and start dancing again. SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
i'm saying that now but...can i really do it?


DARK/SCARRED SKIN:
i'll try to find a really good whitening cream and try to have more patience and understand. good things come to those who wait.


as for my scarred skin, i'll try to talk to my mum more about that treatment she told me about. she noticed my condition and told me about it. it might be costly though...

good night my dear reader. i hope that my ranting didn't annoy you or anything. i just...needed to get that off my chest.

ps. this is me right now. edited if course :( please wait for the day when i will be able to show everybody my real and unedited face.


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